Brandon Aiyuk is a Crummy Teammate: Cue the Red Shorts Controversy

Brandon Aiyuk is a big baby.

He’s also a spoiled brat.

You are welcome – in fact, encouraged – to add other descriptions of Baby Aiyuk.

Why is Aiyuk a spoiled brat?

Because he wore red shorts on Friday?

Say what?

Yes, he wore red shorts.

Well, what’s so bad about wearing red shorts?

Because head coach Kyle Shanahan told the team to wear black shorts on Friday. Call it Black Shorts Friday, if you will.

Come on, Lowell, anyone can make a mistake.

Nah, this wasn’t a mistake. I’m saying this was a premeditated act of red shorts.

Do you know that for sure, Lowell?

No, I don’t because I’m not in Baby Aiyuk’s brain, but it seems like a pretty good working hypothesis. Shanahan sure thought it was premeditated. My son Grant Cohn posted a video on YouTube showing Shanahan chewing out Aiyuk’s ass at practice while pointing at Aiyuk’s shorts. And after that, in a fit, Aiyuk pulled off his red shorts, tried to kick them and almost fell on his tush. Hilarious.

OK, so it was a premeditated act of red shorts. I get that, but what’s the big deal? Red shorts, black shorts. You’re being awfully picky, Lowell.

I’ll tell you why it’s a big deal. A football team is like the army although, honestly, the stakes are not nearly as high in football as they are in real war. But a football team requires a leader who requires his players to follow his orders, and it requires players who follow orders so there will be discipline and order.

You’re making too much of this, Lowell.

No, I’m not. If Kyle lets the shorts slide, then other things slide. Like Aiyuk can cut short his pass route because the sun gets in his eyes, or he feels tired, or he just doesn’t care about it. A player learns to do things right by doing things right. And another thing. The other players wore black shorts. No one thought it was important to show up the head coach, no one except Baby Aiyuk. It’s what a two-year-old does when he/she learns to say no. In real babies that’s cute. In Baby Aiyuk not so much.

Anything else bothering you, Lowell.

Hell, yeah. The other players should have said something to Aiyuk. It shouldn’t have gotten to the head-coach level. The other players know conformity is essential, being on the same page is essential. I mean that Juice guy does nothing particularly substantial on the team, but he went to Harvard rah rah. He should have gone over to Aiyuk and told him to change shorts. Steve Young would have in a New York Minute.

Don’t get yourself into such a lather, Lowell.

You’re right. Sometimes I’m too emotional.

On YouTube your son asked if the Shorts Controversy might indicate the team is not listening to Shanahan – as in Kyle is losing the team. How do you feel about that, and try to be calm?

I hear you. I’m taking a deep breath. No, it does not mean Kyle is losing the team. It means the 120-million-dollar spoiled brat, who isn’t playing so well by the way, hasn’t bought into what the team is doing, although the team just bought into him bigtime.

Is that all you have to say?

I suppose. I’m going to swallow two aspirin and take a nap.